I can’t sleep and all I can think about is that no matter how many times you pick me up, play with me, and set me aside for something else like a spoiled child with too many toys, I’ll always be waiting for you when you return.
I want to be stronger than this. I want to crush you the next time you decide, for whatever reason, that I’m worth your time again. I want to ignore your messages and act like your attention means nothing to me, I want you to know what it feels like to feel disposable.
We have this routine where you talk to me, pursue me, kiss me, fall asleep with me in your arms, and then fall off the face of the earth for a while, only to return a month or so later to start it all again…but each time more quickly and intensely.
Well what is it that I want? The past two times I was distraught, I couldn’t eat, I was humiliated at myself for thinking that there could ever be a possibility of “us”. I gave up. But then, surely enough, you came back. You apologized. You drove me home and kissed me in my driveway. Round three came along and you disappeared again. Round four, you were back and now I’m beginning to lose count. Now I’m sitting here, laying it all out in front of myself, and I’m completely emotionless.
You’re losing the shimmer I once saw in you.
You have no one to blame but yourself.